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Writer's picturefrancisdengmentori

Positively self-talk and your ‘hardship’ disappears

Life’s a school and there’re many lessons to be Learnt. Anonymous


The thought-provoking statement sounds superficial and hypocritical, but it has intrinsic value. All human beings, regardless of gender or race, have experienced real or perceived hardship, at some defining moments in their lives. We have felt victims of circumstances we probably interpreted as lying beyond our control. We have blamed our parents, society, racism and tribalism, lack of education and employment opportunity, culture; you name them, as being causes of our life challenges and hardships. We have engaged in wishful thinking that things were better than they currently are. We have believed some powerful external forces have prevented us from realizing our potential. With little awareness of our thoughts and reactive tendencies, we have wondered why things sometimes go from bad to worse. Living standards and conditions have regressed or stagnated. These paradigms, these ways of thinking, these mental maps have to a large extend deprived us and kept us down. Perhaps it has been optimism; hope and belief that one day the future would be better that has pushed us forward.


Have we not reacted to some external stimuli in ways we soon regretted? Other people's treatment of us, lack of essential resources to maintain life, sickness, living conditions, ethnic strife are some stimuli that have influenced our lives in one or another. Sigmund Freud, a 20th Century psychoanalyst came up with three personality traits: Id, Ego, and Superego. For your benefit, Psychoanalysis is a method of treating mental disorders or fears, and its main goal is to bring unconscious thinking into consciousness and enhance the functioning of positive decision-making. An example would be a well-built, healthy, 20-year old, but has a seemingly irrational fear of mice. The attempt here is that the individual becomes less controlled by biological drives or demands of the superego, the program, the upbringing (Freud, 1934).


What are these character traits? According to the psychoanalyst, Id is the impulsive, unconscious part of our psyche, the totality of the mind (soul, mind, and spirit), which responds directly and immediately to basic urges, needs, and desires. It is the biological, primitive, instinctive component of human personality. The id operates on the pleasure principle which is the idea that every wishful impulse, instinct, compulsion should be satisfied immediately, regardless of the consequences. It engages in primary process thinking, primitive thought process, which is illogical, irrational, and fantasy-oriented. This form of process thinking has no comprehension of objective reality and is selfish and wishful in nature (Sigmund Freud). I want this and I want it now signifies id. Does pleasure-seeking, instant gratification impulse ring a bell?


The ego on the other hand is that part of the id which has been modified, schooled by the direct influence of the external world. It is the only part of the conscious personality a person is aware of when they think about themselves. The ego is what you usually try to project toward others. So what does ego do? Freud examined and explained that the ego develops to mediate between the unrealistic id and the external real world. The ego is the decision-making component of personality. Simply put, the ego works by reason, whereas the id is chaotic and unreasonable. The ego operates and works out realistic ways of satisfying the id’s demands, often compromising or postponing satisfaction to avoid negative consequences of society.


Psychologists refer to this paradigm as delayed gratification. The ego considers social realities, norms, and rules in deciding how to behave. Like the id, it seeks pleasure and avoids pain. But unlike the id, the ego is concerned with devising a realistic strategy to obtain pleasure and has no concept of right or wrong. Something is good simply if it achieves its end of satisfaction without causing harm to itself or the id.


In many instances, the ego is weak relative to the headstrong, self-willed, unyielding id. And the best the ego can do is stay on, pointing the id in the right direction and claiming some credit at the end as if the action were its own. If the ego fails in its attempt to be objective, and anxiety is experienced, unconscious defense mechanisms are employed to help keep off unpleasant feelings. This chemical, mechanical, involuntary reaction makes the individual feel better. Fundamentally, the ego engages in secondary process thinking, higher level and more mature style of thought, which is rational, realistic and orientated towards problem-solving. If a plan of action does not work, then it is thought through again until a solution is found. This is known as ‘reality testing’ and it enables the person to control their impulses and demonstrate self-control by mastery of the ego (Sigmund Freud).


What is the superego? Freud inquired and postulated that the superego incorporates the values and morals of society which are learned from one's parents and others. Literally, the superego is the program, the knowledge accumulated in the environment we grow up and live in. It is the content in the subconscious mind. It is rewards; feelings of pride and satisfaction, and punishments; feelings of shame and guilt depending on which part; the ego-self or conscience is activated. It is the part of the unconscious mind and the voice of conscience, doing what is right and the source of self-criticism. It reflects society's moral values and a person is sometimes aware of their own morality and ethics. It contains a vast number of codes and prohibitions that are issued mostly unconsciously in the form of commands or ‘don't’ statements (Freud, 1934).


The superego's function is to control the id's impulses, especially those which society forbids, such as sex and aggression. It also has the function of persuading the ego to turn to moralistic goals rather than simply realistic ones and to strive for improvement; growth and development. It consists of two systems; the conscience and the ego-self. The conscience is our 'inner voice' that tells us when we have done something wrong. It represents career aspirations, how to treat other people, and how to behave as a member of society. The ideal self and conscience are largely determined in childhood from parental values and how you were brought up. Some types of abnormal upbringing, particularly a paranoid, cold, rejecting mother or father can result in a weak and fragile ego. The ability of a fragile ego to contain the id’s desires is limited. This can lead to individuals making poor decisions because the ego is ‘broken apart’ by its attempt to contain the id, leaving the id in overall control of the psyche; the soul, mind, and spirit (Sigmund Freud).


Have you not unconsciously contributed to your hardship? Do you feel living under impoverished conditions? And what could you possibly do now to begin to alleviate this impoverishment or the hardship you’re experiencing? Are you a schoolchild, a young adult, a parent? What area of your life are you experiencing hardship? And who is responsible for you and your life? These are intriguing; thought-provoking, important questions we ought to ask ourselves, regardless of gender or race. This is where responsibility and accountability for one’s life begin. We all want our life to be better and flourish, but sometimes do not know how. This is where auto-suggestion; positive self-talk comes in handy. Positive self-talk intrinsically contains the power of inspiration and transformation. Positive self-talk has the power to transform your life. It could be the beginning of better mental, physical, social/emotional, and spiritual wellbeing.


Supposed you migrated to a developed country – Australia, USA, Canada, for example when you were a child or young adult. You are now in primary school, high school, doing or have completed your higher education. Like all citizens of your adopted country, you have access to quality education and training opportunities the nation offers. You have unlimited access to learning and education resources that are available in libraries and online. In the developed world, education and access to reliable internet connections have largely become human rights necessities.


Living with these privileges, and others, what obstacles, barriers can prevent you from achieving your dreams and aspirations? What things can hinder you from constantly working toward your personal growth and development? Would any forms of discrimination, bullying, racism in your work or learning environment impact or derail you from realizing your dreams and aspirations? Bear in mind, we all acknowledge that discrimination, prejudice, tribalism, racism, sexism, you name them, do of course exist anywhere in this world; in a homogenous as well as in multicultural society.


You have been affected by war and insecurity in your own country and currently living in a refugee camp. The experience has been life-threatening, traumatizing, and probably left you with some mental scar. Maybe you lost everything you had and have not yet healed. I share your difficult experience because I spent fifteen years of my life seeking refugee, not knowing what would happen next. In your current location, are United Nations agencies providing any educational opportunities, vocational training, and do you have access to them? Can you take advantage of these opportunities? These could be your prospects, practical steps you can take to begin to put your life in order? Life is about little positive things we do now, in the present moment that in the long run, add value to our life. You are a valuable member of society, no doubt. You are young in your teens or twenties, for example, and therefore full of potential. Can you afford to sit idle or engage in physical, mental, or social activities that do not add value to your life, and those of the people around you? Can you afford to engage in blaming, complaining, finger-pointing, whining, gossiping, criticizing other people, or relatives you think have not materially helped you? Have you positively self-talked? Or have you negatively self-talked and so unknowingly contributed to your hardship?


You currently live in a country like South Sudan and the living conditions and standards seem spiraling downwards. The present government has not lived up to its expectations, even providing minimum life necessities. There is widespread intercommunal violence and insecurity across regions and areas. There are no well-paved roads, no decent learning institutions and health care, no reliable power, no clean water, and for way too many citizens, putting food on the table is a daily struggle. You do not have a job that brings in income to support yourself and your family. What can you really do about this grave situation? How do you safely navigate your life out of this desperate, man-made political and economic instability? Perhaps still, a better question to ask is, what things lie within your sphere of control and what things lie outside your sphere of control? What are you able to do right now that can step by step improve your dire economic and living situation? What specific, achievable, realistic things can you do now that can alleviate your current life challenges?


Often, we ask and wonder and curse why individuals in positions of power and authority engage in corruption, embezzlement, nepotism, tribal affiliation, despotism, dictatorship, totalitarianism, authoritarianism, you name them! Why are many governments around the world led by corrupt leaders using political power to appropriate the wealth of their nation, typically by embezzling, misappropriating government funds at the expense of the wider population? Are these privileged people aware that their doings are wrong? Of course, without a doubt, they can preach why all forms of corruption are evil and crippling for a nation. So why do they still engage in these sorts of bad behavior, appalling conduct that impoverishes and cripples a nation?


One would ask what personality traits are inertly, instinctively, unconsciously controlling these individuals in the positions of power. Could it be a combination of id and superego? Politicians incite and play citizens against one another. Life is largely viewed as a zero-sum game – He wins I lose, I win, he loses. Win-win mentality, a natural principle for all stakeholders in the nation, is rarely seen as a viable option. What can citizens do to influence how the country is governed? Under such conditions, can positive self-talk works for you?


‘Know thyself,’ the ancient philosophers have asked. How do you know yourself? Well, taking full responsibility for your life is the starting point. Dr. Stephen Covey in his book (7 Habits of Highly Effective People) talks about the circle of influence and the circle of concern. In the circle of influence, you focus most of your time and energy on things you can do something about. Here, your energy is positive, enlarging and expanding, causing your circle of influence to increase. Reactive people, on the other hand, focus their energy on the circle of concern. They talk about the weaknesses of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which they have no control. They blame and accuse and so feelings of victimization increase in them. Victor Frankl, who spent years in the death camps of Nazi Germany, became aware of the experience he called ‘the last of the human freedom.’ He explained that between stimulus and response, there is a space. And in this space lies human self-awareness, imagination, conscience, and independent will. When something happens to you, the stimulus, and how you react, the response, determines who you are and become in life. Despite the horrors of the death camps, Victor Frankl positively self-talked and it transformed his life. He survived the holocaust and went on to practise psychiatry and psychotherapy.


Stephen Covey explained four dimensions of renewal: physical, mental, social/emotional, and spiritual. The physical dimension involves caring for our physical body – eating, rest and exercise. The mental dimension is about mental development and continuous education– reading, planning, visualizing, and writing. The spiritual dimension is your core, your center, your commitment to your value system. This is private to you and it draws upon the sources that inspire and uplift you. And the social/emotional dimension is centered on the principles of interpersonal relationships, empathic communication, and creative cooperation.


I assert that positive self-talk can potentially change your life. However, it would only work if you first take full responsibility for your life. Focus your energy on the circle of influence and avoid the luring traps of the circle of concern. Do not spend your energy and time talking about other people's weaknesses and their wrong deeds.


Life is not a straight line. Let us consciously row our boats. I wish you great well-being and personal transformation in all areas of your life.

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